Things that make cancer patients want to punch you in the throat
I may or may not have spent a few hours between midnight and 3am Googling my cancer survival rates. This is a part of my life now. I spent my entire professional career analyzing facts and fitting said facts into “if then” and “but for” frameworks. Now I take said facts and mine data on my cancer and prognosis. This is the life of a cancer patient. We live between people telling us “stay off the Internet” and knowing these people tell us to stay away from potential facts because the result is a one way street to mind-fuck town.
This got me thinking about some of the crazy things I have heard over the last month. Being at the middle of a cancer shit storm is not only frightening, but it is persistently and consistently socially awkward. People have no idea what to say to someone with cancer. I understand this and I appreciate these feelings because for 37 years 11 months and 23 days I was one of these people.
Unfortunately, I am now on the on the receiving end of pity looks and really weird cancer word vomit. I know that people are just trying to be nice and that comments come from a place of love, but I truly cannot control my facial expression when I continue to hear some of these things. I am afraid that I am going to fire back some of my bottled up snark and dump it on a cancer muggle.
So I compiled a list of common phrases that cancer patients, especially millennial cancer patients and young adult cancer patients, don’t like to hear. Brace yourself for some bottled up snark.
Muggle: “Everything happens for a reason.”
Problem: You need to stop saying this. Ever. Now. There is no reason your friend has cancer except for stupid, bad luck. Even if they are currently chain smoking and have lung cancer they don’t need to hear it.
Say instead: “I just ordered you a pizza.”
Muggle: “You will bounce back from cancer.”
Problem: Your friend is not a celebrity losing baby weight. His is her life changed irreversibly when he or she was diagnosed with cancer. There is no going back. Only forward.
Say instead: “Your life is probably a mess right now, here’s a bottle of wine. Let’s open it right now.”
Muggle: “X PREVENTS cancer.”
Problem: No it fucking does not. Your friend did whatever hippie-crank-pot advice you are spewing and now has cancer. Saying “prevent” implies that had cancer patient just done X a little more, or a little harder could have prevented this absolute hell. Don’t put that shit on a cancer patient.
Say instead: “I just saw the most hilarious cat meme on the Internet, let me share it with you.”
Muggle: “X CAUSES cancer.”
Problem: Unless your friend is your own MINOR child, what he or she does with his or her body is not your business. There is a website alleging that just about anything causes cancer. We are already living in a nightmare and quite frankly, that ship has sailed.
Say instead: “I am going to let you discuss how to treat your body with your oncologist and doctors. I promise not to bring this up now, when you are in remission, or ever again.”
Muggle: “It’s probably nothing don’t worry.”
Problem: This phase of your friend’s life ended with a cancer diagnosis. Your friend is worried. Your friend is scared. Your friend has been traumatized. Your friend looked at his or her MyChart 150 times already last night at 3am.
Say instead: “Let’s do something fun to take your mind off of waiting for the results of your scan. Here I brought wine, you probably need a glass or four.”
Muggle: Bringing up literally anything you read about cancer on the Internet.
Problem: Your friend has the Internet. Your friend’s oncologist has the Internet. Trust me, they both spend WAY more fucking time googling their cancer than you do.
Say instead: “I promise to let your oncologist bear the full responsibility of treating you and just be your friend.”
Thank you for coming to TED talk.
Muggle cashier: “Do you want to donate a dollar for cancer?”
Problem: I have cancer. Are you going to give me a dollar?
Say instead: “You look like you need some free guacamole.”
Muggle doctor: “It’s just a port no one will notice it.”
Problem: Your cancer patient literally had a surgical procedure to put shit in their heart. Look at this photo. If you cannot see my port you should not be practicing medicine. Or driving.
Instead: We understand that this must be so hard for you. Last week you fed your baby with your breasts and now we’re gonna stick a tube up in there that connects to your heart. This shit is fucked up. That’s why I went into this line of work, to help people like you. I’m going to fight for you.
Muggle: Susan G. Komen …
Problem: Do I look like a Baby Boomer?
Muggle oncology fellow: “How much do you know?”
Problem: The only thing worse than cancer is a cancer doctor that has the compassion of an unsalted saltine cracker. It should be a felony to say these words to a cancer patient. It’s time to quit and work at CVS because you have the bedside manner of a hippopotamus.
Muggle: Uttering the phrase, “it’s just hair, it will grow back.”
Problem: Fuck you. Shave off your eyebrows and all of your hair and pull out your eyelashes and then we’ll talk.
Say Instead: “How can I help you feel like you have dignity while you are going through this bullshit?”
Muggle: “My Grandma died of cancer.”
Problem: Seriously? Nope.
Say instead: Nothing at all. Just walk away. Reevaluate everything you have ever said to anyone. Read some books. Stop talking to people.
Muggle: “But you don’t look sick.”
Problem: Sorry. All of my hospital gowns were in the laundry so I had to wear these normal clothes today. Physical manifestations of cancer are what your friend is trying to avoid. Your friend doesn’t want to look sick. No one wants to look sick.
Say instead: “You look great.” Even if we have one eyelash holding on like a broken branch in a hurricane.
We get it. Talking to us now is hard because you don’t know what to say. Cancer sucks. Cancer treatment sucks. It all sucks. So what are other things you can say instead? Here’s a few more.
“Want to see a video of my cat doing some crazy funny stuff?” Text me all the cat videos and memes. I could use a laugh or 400.
“I’m picking you up and taking you to this appointment.” Valerie Hoit always knows what I need before I do. Plus, when you drive me it means I can take an Ativan. Cancer patients need all the Ativan.
”I’m coming over to babysit your kids so you and your spouse can pretend for a few hours like cancer doesn’t exist.”
”Let’s karaoke show tunes all night.” (Okay that may just be a personal preference.) “When was the last time you played power hour?” “Let’s have a Disney sing a long marathon!” Ride or die friends know what to do.
“I just gave your baby a bath and clipped her fingernails.” This actually happened to me. Ali Hoit, I love you.
“I’m bringing you matzo ball soup.” Shelly Roth for the win.
“You probably need a medical marijuana card.” Yes. Yes I do.
“I’m going to let you squeeze the shit out of my hand during treatment.” Becky has scars from my fingernails in her hand, nbd.
“I’m taking your laundry home and bringing it back clean and folded.” Heather, mom of three, who gets me.
“I’m ordering you a pizza and dropping off wine. And fuck this shit.” Yaaassss. This sucks but at least I live in a time with $8.99 Portuguese Red Blends.
Sending cards. I have received more cards, gift cards, and care packages than I deserve. I am moved beyond words by the generosity of distant friends and relatives and complete strangers. Thank you for making my day. Thank you for making dinner time easier for my family. Thank you for caring about us despite all my f-bombs and snark.
Most of all, thank you for not ever telling anyone with cancer about anything you read on the Internet. Ever.
